Headlines I Would Like To See

I am going to be taking off for the holiday weekend. When I randomly check the headlines, here is what I would like to see:

Matt Silverman files official protest that Rays had to play a game in Toronto on Canada Day, declares uneven playing field

Scott Kazmir strikes out 6 in 6 innings

Scott Kazmir doesn’t walk 6 in 6 innings

Tampa Bay Lightning trade Vincent Lecavlier to Rays for Dioner Navarro. Navarro to play goalie since his fat-ass takes up the entire net. Lecavlier to become assistant hitting coach, the guy who teaches players how to hit opponents Johnny Gomes style

Pat Burrell hits 2 homeruns in a game….please?

Carl Crawford hits inside-the-infield-homerun

Bruno shows up on the field during ESPN broadcast, does something funny to Derek Holland

Jason Bartlett and Ben Zobrist named to all-star team

Joe Maddon breaks a nail filling out lineup card, gives himself 2 days off to recover

Joe Maddon lets Carlos Pena play in national TV game, Pena hits AL leading homerun

Andrew Friedman finds loop-hole in Rule-5 draft, making Josh Hamilton return to Rays

Evan Longoria found his swing

Carlos Pena found his glove

Grant Balfour found the last 3 mph on his fastball

Kid wins 2009 4th of July spelling bee by spelling “Saltalmacchia” correctly, kid declares it a miracle

Andruw Jones is loser of 2009 4th of July spelling bee since he does not know how to spell “Andrew,” demands to spell “Twinkie” instead

David Price has second straight quality start

Brandon Boggs attempts to drink 70 beers in a day, vomits a lot

Elvis Andrus has left the building (author’s note: seriously, does anyone on the Rangers know how to spell “Andrew”?)

Joe Maddon decides to pitch to Josh Hamilton with bases loaded and 4 run lead, Hamilton grounds into double play

Jeff Niemman gets team leading 8th win, laughs at Jason Hammel who just gave up 1 run in complete game loss

Jose Canseco writes a book about his glory days with the Rangers and Devil Rays, steroids only mentioned 8421953 times in 200 pages

Dioner Navarro takes Joey Chestnut to overtime in Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, loses eat-off

Takeru Kobayashi declares himself eligible for MLB, Yankees pay $200,000,000 for his services

Dioner Navarro attempts to steal home, gets tagged out 2 pitches later when he finally gets to the plate

Michel Hernandez to get more playing time

BJ Upton continues to swing a hot bat, gets batting average over .260

Gabe Gross adds another outfield assist, Joe Maddon calls him “disgusting”

Omar Vizquel does commercial for “Oops I Crapped My Pants,” sighting that he is wearing them and he just did

Joe Dillon DFA’d, Andy Sonnanstine called up as Joe Maddon declares a need for an extra pinch hitter

Rays go 3 straight games without having a base-runner picked off

Instead of 7th inning stretch on Saturday, Rangers sing “Happy Birthday” to American

Rays take 2nd place from Yankees in AL East, lead wildcard standings

If none of these come true except the last one, I will be happy. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Happy 4th of July everyone.