Monday, June 29, 2009

How They Match Up

Today, the Rays will dust off their passports and head up to the great white north. A road trip to Canada to play the Blue Jays has me inspired for a third installment of “How They Match Up.” Today, we have an international tale of the tape matchup, The United States of America vs. Canada.

Relationship to America:
USA: It is America
Canada: America’s hat
Advantage: USA – The real thing is always better

Professional sports teams (in major sports, MLS doesn’t count, CFL does)
USA: 114
Canada: 16
Advantage: USA – Of the 16 Canadian teams, 14 are in the NHL and CFL

Current professional sports teams that have to this country from the other:
USA: 4, Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, Winnipeg Jets, and Quebec Nordiques became the Washington Nationals, Memphis Grizzlies, Phoenix Coyotes, and Colorado Avalanche
Canada: 1.25, Atlanta Flames became the Calgary Flames, and the Buffalo Bills play 1/4th of their home schedule in Toronto
Advantage: USA - if Terrell Owens does sit-ups without a shirt on while on a frozen lake in Toronto, this may become a push, but it’s more likely that he gets kicked off the team before any games are played in Toronto

National pastime:
USA: Baseball
Canada: Hockey
Advantage: USA – this is a baseball blog, not a hockey blog

Other popular sport:
USA: Football
Canada: Curling
Advantage: USA – as funny as it is to watch people with brooms yell “HARD!” football is still much better

Reason I would actually watch curling:
USA: The 2006 USA Girls curling team
Canada: If it’s watching them or poking my eyes out with an ice-pick, I’d have to flip a coin to decide
Advantage: USA – USA curl-girls, so hot.

Sports comedy the country is proud of:
USA: “Major League”
Canada: “Men with Brooms”
Advantage: USA - I still can’t believe they made a movie about curling

Nickname for Police Officers:
USA: Cops
Canada: Mounties
Advantage: Push – “Mounties” is funny to say, but cops are more intimidating and are more likely to keep me from breaking the law

Famous Celebrity:
USA: Too many to name
Canada: Celine Dionne
Advantage: USA – Take any Hollywood b-lister and he/she would beat Celine Dionne here

USA: Take your pick, you can live in the south and be hot or up north and be cold
Canada: Really freaking cold
Advantage: USA - flexibility FTW!

National Language:
USA: English
Canada: English and French
Advantage: USA – recoger un bastón y con él, el intercambio de idiomas es molesto (Spanish for: pick one and stick with it, interchanging languages is annoying)

Keep your backyard clean with:
USA: Lawnmower
Canada: Zamboni
Advantage: Push - driving a lawnmower and driving a Zamboni are both fun

Stanley Cups won by the country since 1994:
USA: 15
Canada: 0
Advantage: USA – Even Tampa Bay has more Stanley Cups than the country of Canada since 1994, ouch

Does Vincent Lecavlier play for a hockey team in your country?
USA: Yes
Canada: No
Advantage: USA – although I am aware this is subject to change until July 1

You eat your french-fries with:
USA: Ketchup
Canada: Gravy
Advantage: USA – gravy? Ew

Fictional teen pop-star’s/teen group’s hit single:
USA: “Friends Forever” by the Zack Attack
Canada: “Let’s Go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles
Advantage: Push – the video of “Let’s Go to the Mall” is amazing, but the message in “Friends Forever” is touching

In “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” you sing, “It’s 1, 2, 3 strikes you’re….”
USA: Out
Canada: Oot
Advantage: USA – And you know what I’m talking about (not aboot)

Final Standings:
USA – 15
Canada – 0
Push – 3

In a not so shocking result, the United States wins in a landslide. (Cue the crowd cheering USA! USA!) I honestly have nothing against Canada. I think Toronto is a great city and I have taken lots of money from Casino Windsor. However, America is just flat out better than Canada. The proof is above.

My standard last line of a post:
USA: Do you think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out?
Canada: Do you think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out, eh?
Advantage: USA! – Make that 16-0-3


  1. question: If the Bills play 8 home games, and 1 of them is in Toronto, doesn't that make 1/8th of their home games in Canada? I thought you got a perfect score on the math section of the GRE's...

    second issue: I think you're glossing over the canadian celebrities that I think we all enjoy and just aren't willing to admit are canadian.

    The women:
    Avril Lavigne No Kelly clarkson, but I'd still do her
    Carie-Anne Moss leather jumpsuit in the matrix = slow mo boner
    Elisha Cuthbert one word: oldschoolandthegirlnextdoor
    Evangeline Lily Lost is awesome
    Kim Cattral Forget SATC, Porky's was her best work
    Neve Campbell Who hasn't wanted the 3some from Wild Things?
    Nickelback They deserve to be here.
    Pam Anderson Too bad her sex tape was all dong
    Sandra Oh If things go right, she might be seein my Oh face
    Shania Twain She's allright. I'd do her again.
    Some poetry courtesy of SARAH MCLAUGHLIN
    Shannon Tweed Playboy model/Wife of one of the tribe

    The Men:
    Michael Buble Sorry Canada, negative points on this one
    Keanu Reaves You've gone to far, bodyman!
    Jim Carrey Boning whatsherface...
    Howie Mandel Need I say more?
    Michael Cera No American exudes awkwardness like him
    Ryan Reynolds Van Wilder himself!
    Will Arnett Job from Arrested Development
    Michael Myers Aaaaaaasphinctersayswhat?
    Will.I.Am. EF.My.Life
    Paulo Costanzo Smart guy from Road trip with whom you relate

    I patiently await you're changing the score to 15-0-4

  2. last year they played 2 games in toronto