How They Match Up

Today, the Rays will dust off their passports and head up to the great white north. A road trip to Canada to play the Blue Jays has me inspired for a third installment of “How They Match Up.” Today, we have an international tale of the tape matchup, The United States of America vs. Canada.

Relationship to America:
USA: It is America
Canada: America’s hat
Advantage: USA – The real thing is always better

Professional sports teams (in major sports, MLS doesn’t count, CFL does)
USA: 114
Canada: 16
Advantage: USA – Of the 16 Canadian teams, 14 are in the NHL and CFL

Current professional sports teams that have to this country from the other:
USA: 4, Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, Winnipeg Jets, and Quebec Nordiques became the Washington Nationals, Memphis Grizzlies, Phoenix Coyotes, and Colorado Avalanche
Canada: 1.25, Atlanta Flames became the Calgary Flames, and the Buffalo Bills play 1/4th of their home schedule in Toronto
Advantage: USA - if Terrell Owens does sit-ups without a shirt on while on a frozen lake in Toronto, this may become a push, but it’s more likely that he gets kicked off the team before any games are played in Toronto

National pastime:
USA: Baseball
Canada: Hockey
Advantage: USA – this is a baseball blog, not a hockey blog

Other popular sport:
USA: Football
Canada: Curling
Advantage: USA – as funny as it is to watch people with brooms yell “HARD!” football is still much better

Reason I would actually watch curling:
USA: The 2006 USA Girls curling team
Canada: If it’s watching them or poking my eyes out with an ice-pick, I’d have to flip a coin to decide
Advantage: USA – USA curl-girls, so hot.

Sports comedy the country is proud of:
USA: “Major League”
Canada: “Men with Brooms”
Advantage: USA - I still can’t believe they made a movie about curling

Nickname for Police Officers:
USA: Cops
Canada: Mounties
Advantage: Push – “Mounties” is funny to say, but cops are more intimidating and are more likely to keep me from breaking the law

Famous Celebrity:
USA: Too many to name
Canada: Celine Dionne
Advantage: USA – Take any Hollywood b-lister and he/she would beat Celine Dionne here

Weather:
USA: Take your pick, you can live in the south and be hot or up north and be cold
Canada: Really freaking cold
Advantage: USA - flexibility FTW!

National Language:
USA: English
Canada: English and French
Advantage: USA – recoger un bastón y con él, el intercambio de idiomas es molesto (Spanish for: pick one and stick with it, interchanging languages is annoying)

Keep your backyard clean with:
USA: Lawnmower
Canada: Zamboni
Advantage: Push - driving a lawnmower and driving a Zamboni are both fun

Stanley Cups won by the country since 1994:
USA: 15
Canada: 0
Advantage: USA – Even Tampa Bay has more Stanley Cups than the country of Canada since 1994, ouch

Does Vincent Lecavlier play for a hockey team in your country?
USA: Yes
Canada: No
Advantage: USA – although I am aware this is subject to change until July 1

You eat your french-fries with:
USA: Ketchup
Canada: Gravy
Advantage: USA – gravy? Ew

Fictional teen pop-star’s/teen group’s hit single:
USA: “Friends Forever” by the Zack Attack
Canada: “Let’s Go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles
Advantage: Push – the video of “Let’s Go to the Mall” is amazing, but the message in “Friends Forever” is touching

In “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” you sing, “It’s 1, 2, 3 strikes you’re….”
USA: Out
Canada: Oot
Advantage: USA – And you know what I’m talking about (not aboot)

Final Standings:
USA – 15
Canada – 0
Push – 3

In a not so shocking result, the United States wins in a landslide. (Cue the crowd cheering USA! USA!) I honestly have nothing against Canada. I think Toronto is a great city and I have taken lots of money from Casino Windsor. However, America is just flat out better than Canada. The proof is above.

My standard last line of a post:
USA: Do you think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out?
Canada: Do you think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out, eh?
Advantage: USA! – Make that 16-0-3